


Kids These Days....

by snaitf



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, It's kind of magical, Kidfic, This is the dumbest thing I've ever done, tumblr repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-15 22:06:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7240309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snaitf/pseuds/snaitf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Vox Machina faces their biggest adventure yet!</p><p>(Though, of course, that might be because they're much smaller than usual).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kids These Days....

**Author's Note:**

> The crack fic that started because imagining baby De Rolo took away from the pain that was the Whitestone arc. ~~and now everything is pain ahahahahahahahhaa~~

“Wake up.”

A voice pierced the darkness, a tentative touch to his shoulder converted to a bold shake. Percy winced, pulled away from the touch. His whole body ached. A pounding headache roared its way through his senses. Had he fallen asleep? He didn’t remember.

“Hey,” the voice said again. “Hey, wake up.”

“G’way, Ollie,” he grumbled back. “I’m sleepin’.”

“If you is sleepin’ why is you talkin’?”

“You are,” he corrected, yawning widely.

“What?” the voice sounded bewildered.

“Pwofessor Anders says it’s you _are_ , not you _is_.” With a heavy sigh, he gave up on sleep entirely, pulling himself into a sitting position. A boy with pointy ears sat next to him. His face was solemn. Standing over both of them was a young girl. They looked strangely identical, except that her hair was pulled back in a loose braid.

They were in a large, stone chamber. A dying fire was set up not far from them, and there were several others around, still and probably asleep.

“Sorry,” the boy mumbled, looking embarrassed at the mistake. “I ain’t spoke Common in a while. It’s not _proper_ for an elf,” he said with some disdain.

“Who’s Ollie?” the girl asked.

Percy’s eyes widened in realization, and he looked around them again, suddenly alert. “Oliver,” he explained quietly. “My bwother. He’s… I was supposed to be watching him.” He stood, worry streaking through him. “Mother will be so angry if I lost him!” he moaned.

The boy stood up beside him, patted his shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll help you find his.”

“Him.”

“Whatever. What’s your name?”

“Percibal Fwederickstein bon Musel Klossowski de Wolo III,” he said, enunciating each word carefully. “What’s yours?”

“Vax’ildan. Your name’s long.”

“Your name’s _weird._ ” He shot back with a scowl. The strange boy grinned, took Percival’s hand and shook it.

“Nice to meet you, Percibal Long Name the Third. This is – I mean this _are_ my sister Vex’ahlia.”

“Nice to meet you,” Percy said politely, taking her hand and kissing it like he’d seen his father do. Vex’ahlia giggled, her delighted grin showing off her missing baby teeth. “And you were right the first time. It changes. ‘I am, you are, it is.’”

Vax’ildan scowled. “Why do it do that?”

Percival frowned, then shrugged. “I think Pwofessor Anders likes making things more hard.”

They were interrupted by a loud snarl. At first, Percy thought it was a grown-up he was so big, but he’d never seen a grown-up who was _blue_. The boy was covered in markings and bruises, and he was slapping away the hand of the tiniest girl Percy had ever seen. She was even tinier than Cassandra!

“No touch!” the boy hollered roughly.

“I can make your boo-boos go away,” the little blonde insisted.

“I like my boo-boos,” he snarled.

“Oh.” She cocked her head, still looking worried. She seemed unfazed by the boy’s ferocity, but Percy hid behind Vax’ildan just in case. The girl took another step toward the giant. “But don’t they hurt?”

“Uncle says it’s supposed to hurt.”

“Well, I don’t like your uncle.”

“I din’t _aks_ you, Tiny!” The girl pulled away, looking stricken. Tears began to well in her eyes.

“Hey!” Vex’ahlia shouted. The boy rounded on their group. “You shouldn’t be mean to girls.”

“I din’t aks you either!”

“It’s true, though!” said a new voice. This boy was tiny, too! Percy stared in wonder. He never knew people came in so many sizes! The boy swayed a little in place, like he was constantly about to break into a dance. “I heard that when boys pick on girls, a dark wizard comes and snatches them up, and then he makes them eat the tiny broccoli trees for the rest of _forever!_ ” he said excitedly.

The giant boy froze, suddenly looking terrified.

“That’s not true!” Vax’ildan piped up. “I pick on Vex’ahlia all the time and I ain’t never got snatched.”

“I made my sister cry,” Percy added quietly. “But she’s a big crybaby.”

The tiny boy rolled his eyes. “Well, sisters don’t count _obviously.”_

“So if we’re sisters, I won’t get snatched?” the giant reasoned. He pulled the tiny girl closer to him. “Hey, be my sister!”

“I don’t wanna!” she bawled. “You’re m-mean and big and s-smelly! I want my mom.”

“Where _is_ our moms?” the tiny boy asked. “And what is this room?”

“Where are,” Percy mumbled from behind Vax.

“What if the dark wizard snatched us?” the giant asked wide-eyed.

“I ain’t never picked on girls,” Vex said.

“’cept Tiriel,” Vax pointed out.

“And she don’t count cause she stole my blue ribbon.”

“And ‘sides, he said only boys get snatched,” added Vax.

“Ooh, a mystery!” The boy said, jittering excitedly. “I bet there’s clues lying about!”

“Maybe if we work together we’ll find the grown-ups,” Percy said.

“Well, then! My name is Scanlan Shorthalt, and when I grow up I’m gonna be a pirate!”

“We’re Vax and Vex, and this is Percival Long Name the Third.”

Percy scowled. “Percibal Fwedwickstein – “

“Your name’s too long,” Vax complained. “I’m calling you Percival.”

“I’m Pike,” the crying girl hiccupped.

“I ent tellin’ you my name,” the giant boy scowled stubbornly, crossing his arms in a huff.

“His name’ssss Grog,” a new voice said distractedly. There was a couple in the corner who had been so quiet Percy hadn’t even noticed them. One was an actual _dragon baby_ with red scales, and the other was a thin red-headed girl. Percy figured they probably got along cause they both had red on them.

“How’d you know?” Grog asked suspiciously.

“It’th in her book. We were reading it,” the dragon answered. He held up a green diary for the group to see. “It’th a ssstory where we’re all friends and fight monthtersss.”

The other children gathered closer, curious. “Maybe it’s a book from the future!” Scanlan said.

“The handwriting’s pretty,” the redhead said in a voice so quiet it was practically a whisper. “All flowy and neat. I’m practicing, but my hand isn’t that good.”

“Thisss ith Keyleth. She’th a… _printhethsss._ ” The dragon said, pronouncing the final word carefully. “And I’m Tiberiuth Thssstormwind, from Draconia.”

“Nice to meet you, Tibewius and Pwincess Keyleth,” Percy said politely.  Keyleth turned red. Tiberius sneezed, spewing out a small jet of flame. Keyleth yipped in alarm and grabbed her little green book away from him, trying to protect it from the flames.

“Pelor bless you,” Percy said automatically. Tiberius’s eyes narrowed.

“You’re thuppothed to thay ‘ _Bahamut_ blesssss you.”

“Mother says Pelor.”

“Well, my father is lord of Draconia and he sssssaysth Bahamut.”

“ _My_ father is lord of Whitestone, and _he says_ – “

“My grandfather says Sarenrae,” little Pike interrupted, still sniffling. “Maybe it’s different in different places.”

“In Syngorn, you say _sneezien naa y' saura' Edan nat,'_ which means “Sneezing is a rude thing that only humans do.” But when you say it you gotta wrinkle your nose and look mad, like this!”  Vax took on a haughty, disdainful air, sticking his nose up and sniffing unhappily. Vex giggled.

“I can be more Elvish than you!” she challenged, crossing her arms and pulling her nose up even further than Vax’s. The two laughed, alternating between shoving each other over and staring down at everyone imperiously while uttering bored-sounding elvish phrases. Little Keyleth smiled a little at the words.

“Are you a dwagon?” Percy asked the dragon baby, ignoring the twins.

“Courth not! I’m a Dragonborn.”

“Does that mean your father’s a dwagon?”

“No, my father is lord of Draconia. A country where everyone isss Dragonbornsss.”

“Oh, never mind bless-yous and where-are-you-froms!” Scanlan interrupted rudely. “Boring! I wanna see what the book says! I bet we fight a dragon in it, and Tiberius kills it by sneezing on it!”

“Nuh uh!” Grog countered. “I bet _I_ killed it cause I _smashed it_ wif my big great-axe!”

“We do a lot of stuff,” Keyleth mumbled. “Tiberius was reading it to me. I don’t read fast, so he was reading it to me.”

“We thtarted at the end cause I figured that’sss where the good part is,” Tiberius explained. “Perhapth there’ssssomething in here about our parentth.”

“Well, find my mother last,” Percy said with a frown. “I still gotta find Oliber. You’ll help me, won’t you Bax’ildan?”

Vax tried to hide a smile. “You can call me Vax, you know.”

“You’ll help me, wight, Bax?”

“I….” he hesitated, looking at the book. “I wanna find my mom,” he said apologetically, looking torn. Percy’s face fell.

“I’ll go wif you,” Keyleth said quietly, looking fixedly at the ground. “My mom was already lost before I came here. She went on a trip, and she’s gonna be gone for years, da says.”

“Oh. All wight, then.” Percy said. She got up to stand by him, hovering awkwardly too close to him.

“I come too,” Grog said. “In case there’s monsters to smash.”

“Me three, in case your brother has boo-boos,” Pike said cheerily.

The little group of four left their new friends and looked again at their surroundings. It was a big circular room of cracked grey stone. Percy thought the room looked old, probably older than Mister Archie, though it was rude to say so out loud. Deep gouges were carved into the walls all about them, forming little shapes and patterns.

“Do those look like letters to you?” Percy whispered to Pike.

Pike squinted at the walls and hummed a negative. Keyleth shrugged, but traced one of the shapes with her finger. Percy frowned thoughtfully, but continued on, determined to find his brother. They went out into a narrow hallway. There were lots of tunnels connecting together. It reminded Percy of the time Ollie had gotten lost in the family crypts. Percy had hated it down there; it was dusty and cold and when he’d finally found Ollie, he’d been crying.

“We should stay stwaight so we don’t get losted,” he said, pulling his jacket tighter at the memory.

“But what if we miss him?” Pike asked. “He could be down any of the halls!”

“I can be a squirrel,” Keyleth said. “Squirrels can run really fast and I can look for him in the hall and be right back.”

Percy stared at her. “Why can you be a squiwwel?”

“It’s easy! Cheep cheep!” she continued making odd animal noises, hopping in a circle around Percy. “You just gotta tilt your head sideways and squeeze your brain and think REALLY hard about squirrels.” With that, she screwed up her face in concentration, and suddenly she was gone.

A tiny squirrel was in her place, still hopping around him. He stared for a moment, then scowled. “Stop hopping, Keyleth.”

The squirrel obeyed, looking up at him. Grog got down on all fours next to the new addition to their party, gently poking it with one massive finger. “Furry,” was all he said. The squirrel hopped onto his wrist and he guffawed loudly in delight. Squirrel Keyleth nuzzled his hand a little, then hopped gracefully back to the floor and ran to the first side corridor. She stopped a few feet into the hallway and turned back to Percy, head tilted in a silent question.

He bit his lip. “Okay, but I think you should take someone big with you just in case,” he said.

“I go!” Grog volunteered cheerfully. “Don’t worry, Squirlleth, I protect you and smash all the ghosties.”

Pike’s eyes widened. “You think there’s ghosties here?” she asked.

“Sure! It’s old and dark and creepy,” Grog explained. This made perfect sense, and they wondered why they hadn’t considered this before.

“If there’s any ghosties, you should yell and we’ll come help you,” Pike suggested. Grog nodded cheerfully and bounded off after the little squirrel, who was already several feet down the hall.

Percy plopped onto the ground to wait. “I wonder if the others found anything in that book.”

“What’th a….” Tiberius squinted at the strange word. “w-wwoooore houthe?”

“A what?” Vax asked.

“Wore houthe.”

“It’s a house where wores live, obviously,” Vex said, though she sounded unsure.

“But what’sss a wore?” Tiberius insisted.

“Oh, I know! Wars is when lots of people get together and there’s fighting and then the heroes kill everyone!” Scanlan said with zeal, dancing about and waving an invisible sword.

“But that’th not how it’ssssssspelled.”

Scanlan stopped mid-battle, looking surprised. “Oh. Well, then what is a wore?”

“I don’t know, but you seem to like them a lot.”

“They must be nice, then,” Scanlan said. “Maybe it’s a kind of candy!”

Once when he was littler, Percy had asked his father what a minute was. He had answered by pointing at the little clock on his desk, telling him to look at it. Percy had stared and stared, waiting for the clock to explain it to him. Finally, when it had been so long that he’d forgotten his original question, his father reached over and tapped the long thin needle that was slowly spinning round and round.

“When this gets all the way around the circle, that’s a minute,” he explained. “So, it’s been a minute since you asked.”

Percy thought that Keyleth and Grog had to have been gone at least a _hundred_ minutes it was so long. The hallway was still and quiet, and Pike had huddled closer to him, shivering against the cold. Then, suddenly they heard a shout and thundering footsteps. Percy sprang to his feet, wide-eyed and frightened, as Grog ran into view with Squirrel Keyleth on his shoulder.

“Percy! PERCY! There’s a _bear_!” Grog exclaimed, waving his arms ecstatically. “Big furry bear!”

Pike let out a scream. Behind Grog, there was indeed a giant lumbering bear loping after them with long sharp fangs. Percy screamed too.

“WUN!” he shouted, pulling Pike with him back into the circle room. Maybe if they were all together they could scare the bear away?

They nearly ran into Vax and Vex, who were running toward the screaming.

“Percival, why did you screamed?” Vax asked him, eyes wide.

“B-b-b-bear!” The rest of the party finally saw the beast, which had stopped in the hall, sniffing curiously.

“He’s _pretty_ ,” Vex said wondrously.

“Fuzzy!” Grog agreed.

“Hi, bear.” Said a tiny voice. Keyleth was a person again, and she was walking right up to the monster. Percy gasped. He was very afraid, but he liked this strange Keyleth girl that turned into squirrels and went red when someone talked to her, and he didn’t want her to get eated by a bear. He rushed toward her, hoping to protect her from the monster.

“Keyleth!” he said, taking her hand.

“Nice bear,” she said, ignoring him. She patted the bear gently on the nose. The bear licked her face.

Behind them, Vex squealed and ran toward the bear, hugging its paw.

The bear kept sniffing Vex curiously, circling the room like he was looking for something. It let out a mournful sound, bumping its nose against the quiet little druid before continuing its search.

“I wonder what he’s looking for,” Vax said.

“Poor thing’s probably looking for his mama,” Vex replied, reaching up to rub the bear’s massive shoulder. The bear paused, sniffing her again. It grumbled, shaking its head.

“His name’s Trinket.” Keyleth said. “You smell like his best friend, but he’s confused cause his friend is taller.”

“How do you know that?” Vex gasped.

Keyleth turned red. “He told me is all,” she mumbled at the floor.

The bear seemed nice, but Percy was still wary. He edged away from it and returned to the slowly dying fire in the center of the room. Tiberius was still sitting cross-legged, flipping through the green book.

“Where have you been?” Tiberius asked absently.

“Didn’t you heaw us yelling?” he asked. “There was a bear. It chased us all ober.”

Tiberius finally looked up, eyes wide. “A bear?? What’th a bear doing in thisss place?”

“Dunno. Keyleth says we shouldn’t worwy cause it’s a nice bear.”

“Well,” Tiberius straightened importantly. “While you were off playing with a bear, _I_ found out why we’re little!”

Percy blinked. “We’we little cause we haben’t gwowed up yet.”

“No, no! Look here!” he shoved the book under Percy’s nose excitedly. “We came here becausssse of the funny ssssquigglesss. Big Keyleth sssaythss it reminded her of an aging thpell. And then it thayth we decided to rest for the night and try again in the morning and then the book _endssss!_ ” he explained, his hissing becoming more pronounced as he got more excited.

“We fell asleep in a room that might be magic?” Scanlan asked as he sauntered over, wrinkling his nose. “We sound _dumb_.”

“Twinket was in another woom,” Percy said, piecing it together. “So it didn’t affect him. So then… Bex _is_ Twinket’s fwiend that he’s looking for!”

“You hear that, buddy?” Vex cheered, latching herself onto the bear’s leg again. “We’re best friends!” Trinket sniffed at Tiberius and the book curiously, then licked Vex’s hair.

“But what about Oliver?” Pike asked worriedly. “Was he our friend, too? Did he come with us?”

“Maybe he’s not here,” Percy said glumly. He brightened for a moment. “Maybe he didn’t come with us into the woom and he’s still a gwowed-up like Twinket.” He wrinkled his nose, giggling at the thought of little Ollie being _taller_ than him.

“Well, if he’s a growed-up, maybe he can help us be big again,” Scanlan suggested.

“There wasssn’t anyone named Oliver in the book,” Tiberius said. “He’s probably sstill at home, like my brothersss.”

Percy’s eyes widened. It hadn’t occurred to him that they might not even be in Whitestone anymore. “Where awe we, then?” he asked.

“And if we don’t remember being big, how are we fix it?” Vax added, eyebrows scrunched up in worried thought.

“Keyleth,” Tiberius said, bouncing to his feet and rushing to the startled redhead. “Big you said you knew the ssssymbols. Do you know what they mean?”

Keyleth turned bright red, hiding her face as the whole group stared at her. She shook her head vigorously, not speaking.

Pike drew herself up to her tallest height, which was not very tall at all, but suddenly she _seemed_ bigger, more important. “We need to find a growed up,” she announced seriously. She walked up to Trinket, who sniffed at her and whined in confusion. “Trinket,” she said seriously, “I said _we need to find a growed up._ Do you know someone who can help?”

Trinket paused, head cocked to the side as she spoke. Then, he picked up Scanlan by the back of his tunic, who squealed in delight, and plodded out of the room. Vex and Vax pulled themselves up onto the bear’s back. He paused, leaning down slightly to give them better purchase, before moving once more.

Grog frowned down at Pike.

“You run really fast,” she said awkwardly. “Thanks for saving me from the bear, even though he’s our friend.” 

“Sorry I called you Tiny,” he said glumly.

“Sorry I called you smelly.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Will you carry me like you did Keyleth? It looked fun.”

Grog picked her up and put her on his shoulders. She smiled happily. “After him!” she commanded playfully, pointing at the retreating bear. Grog obeyed, both of them giggling as he bounded after Trinket.

Percy hesitated in the center of the room, watching Tiberius wander after the group, long snout still stuck in the little green book. Keyleth still hadn’t moved to join them. He moved closer to her curiously.

“Lots of people,” she mumbled, still looking at the ground. “Don’t talk to people much. Animals are nicer.”

“I don’t like beaws,” he confessed. “Maybe you can tell me what Twinket is saying so I won’t be scawed of him, and then I can talk to the people for you so you don’t have to be scawed either?”

She nodded and took his hand.

The bear led them through many twisting hallways, occasionally sniffing at the floor. The ground sloped upwards, like climbing a hill underground. Percy briefly wished he and Keyleth had climbed onto Trinket with the twins, but reasoned that all four of them probably wouldn’t fit on Trinket anyway. Eventually, the little group found a half-crumbled wall that led into a much brighter chamber. The bear paused on the threshold, then put Scanlan down.

“Now what, Trinket?” Scanlan asked excitedly, peering into the chamber. “Were we in a secret chamber? Do we need to sneak past a band of ogres? Oooh, what’s _that?”_ Scanlan darted forward, only to be snatched up again by Trinket. Trinket backed up, returning deeper into the dusty hallway, away from the lighted chamber, and put him down again. He huffed, his stance giving off a definite feeling of _“stay put!”_ Percy wondered if he could understand Trinket better now that he and Keyleth were holding hands, but Scanlan seemed to understand Trinket too, for he scowled up at the bear.

“You want to _leave us behind_?” he asked. “But we wanna come with you!”

Trinket sat down stubbornly, huffing. Vax and Vex likewise complained, their disappointed voices joining Scanlan’s. The bear growled half-heartedly, then stood and continued up into the chamber.

The room was well lit, but hot. Metal instruments littered the room. There was a long table along one wall covered in papers, and a small messy cot in another corner.

“What’s the shinies?” Grog said excitedly, running over to pick up one of the metal things. Trinket suddenly let out a loud growl, a rumbling shout that made all of them jump in alarm.

“T-Trinket said not to touch anyfing,” Keyleth squeaked.

“Grog, maybe you should do what he says,” Vex said. Even the little elven girl looked unnerved at Trinket’s sudden ferocity. Grog obeyed reluctantly, returning to Trinket’s side.

The door was taller than any of them, but Vax reached the handle by standing on Trinket. They followed the bear out the hall and up another flight of stairs, but this place felt cozier, more like a home instead of a cave. They must have found another catacombs, like his family’s crypt. Whose castle were they under? Maybe it was Tiberius’s family’s crypt!

Up the stairs was another room with lots of weapons. Grog’s eyes widened and he tried to sneak an axe off the wall, but Pike bopped his head in warning. “Do you want Trinket to yell at you again?” she hissed. They both looked guiltily at Trinket, who was trying to position himself such that Vax could open the next door. Vex was steadying her brother with one hand, but she glared at both of them. Grog stepped away from the axe, looking disappointed.

When the door finally swung open, the group nearly ran into a tall woman with flowing blue robes. “Trinket, do you know where Tiberius is? I’ve nearly finished adding the teleporta – oh!” she exclaimed in surprise, staring at them in alarm. “Trinket, what – oh my. Are these…?”

“Your dress is pretty!” Vex interrupted.

“Hey look, guys! A grown up! We’ve completed our mission!” Scanlan exclaimed, still swinging from Trinket’s mouth. Trinket moaned mournfully, looking up imploringly at the woman. They stared at each other, the gaggle of children versus the tall woman, who looked increasingly more flustered. Finally, she turned to shout further into the hall.

“LAINA!”


End file.
